Bad timing

Ordinarily, I'm a pretty level-headed woman. I don't get overly emotional about a lot of things and rarely do people outside my family see me cry.

Lately, though, you can tell I am a hormonal mess, lol! I had THREE things make me burst into tears yesterday and while none of them are really related, I'm going to try to record all of them.

First, George and I have decided to make a conscious effort to read to Brady at least twice a day. I feel like an awful mother, but we just haven't been reading to him like we should have. We're hoping to increase his vocabulary by amount and precision. There's no real way to measure if we're doing anything "right" or "wrong," we just want to know that we're doing the best things possible for our kids.

So last night, I picked out "I'll Love You Forever." At my baby shower 2 years ago, I asked my girlfriends and family to please include a book instead of a card at the shower. I received three copies of this book! I had heard about what a cute book it was, but I never took the time to think about it and understand it (Tara, last night it was your copy!). I think I might have made it to page 3 or 4. I stopped reading and looked at Brady (on the other side of the room, listening, but playing) and had to hand the book over to George for him to finish reading it aloud. I just sat there and cried while he read. Maybe I just didn't get it when I first had Brady, but the dynamic is going to change in our family when we bring Lexi home from the hospital...it's made me realize that even though Brady is now the "big brother" and a "big boy," he's ALWAYS going to be my little boy, my baby. I hope I remember everything I can from this time in his life. I hope that these memories don't fade as so many others do.

Second, George decided after the new year to start watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition. I've watched it in the past on Sunday nights when I needed a good cry, but never every week. I just don't like the physical side effects of crying and I literally cry through all 60 minutes of this show when I watch. A few weeks ago we watched an Army Iraq war veteran who'd been injured by a near fatal gunshot to his neck receive a new home near Fort Riley, Kansas. Maybe it was because the situation felt a little too real, but I begged George to not make me watch it. The soldier apparently wrote a letter home to his wife a week before the injury telling her goodbye and to take care of the kids and to make sure they remembered their dad. It was awful and very painful to listen to the words coming from this soldier, knowing they could easily have come from my own husband.

Last night, the EMHE team went to help a family who had lost a father and a son in a drowning accident. The father went under with the youngest girl on his shoulders in the lake. The oldest son went into the lake to get his youngest sister and his younger brother out of the lake, brought them to safety at the edge, and went down for his father - never coming back up. Seeing the children talk about their emotions from that day was awful. To make things worse, the family had lost their house to a fire shortly before the accident, so they literally had nothing. George looked at me last night and said "If something were to happen to me, make sure you go to Tom (a guy in the tax center) to make sure he does the survivor benefits correctly. And make sure you remarry."

WHAT??

Third, he starts in about making sure he/we have wills drawn up, notarized, and filed before he leaves for Afghanistan next year. He wants to make sure that we're taken care of, I understand that. But the way he's saying it isn't hitting my heart right (then again, is there a way to make that conversation "right?"). With Lexi coming any day, everything feels like it's changing and it's making George and I realize how ridiculously happy and fortunate we are to have each other and our beautiful children. But, I did so much crying while he was in Iraq because I was scared for him, his safety, us as a newly married couple...I know the reality is that we receive the benefits from being a military family because George sacrifices so much to serve our country. I'm able to stay home with our children and we have no health care costs because he deploys to other countries for wars. I get that. But, during his dwell/home time, I don't want to think about what's going to happen in a year when we have to say goodbye and I have to explain it to our children. I don't want to think about what happens to me and the kids if something happens to George while he's deployed. So, I sat in the living room crying, completely unable to speak, until I could finally say "Can we talk about this when I'm NOT 39 weeks pregnant anymore? Can this conversation wait just a couple more weeks, at least?!"

Word to the wise, folks - I'm an emotional disaster right now! Present bad/sad/depressing things to me at your own risk! That's right, I'm asking for a sugar coating - even if it's only temporary. :)